Toenails

Feet.

Feet are digusting extensions of our legs that we unfortunately need to stay upright, walk, run, dance and do the moonwalk. I hate feet, no, I despise them. Why?

1. It doesn't matter what kind of socks you wear, you are always left with those little fabric fluffs between your toes.

I've lost count of the amount of times I thought there was a rogue spider trying to interrupt my morning shower but really it was just a fluff on the run.


2. I don't know who these people are on commercials who have perfect looking feet (if that were possible) but I want to meet them.

I am not convinced that feet like that actually exist. I'm 99% sure it's a photoshop miracle.

3. The fact that products such as the Ped Egg exist is further proof that feet are horrid. Do people actually use those? If you haven't heard of such things, let me explain.

Imagine a cheese grater...but you use it on your foot to scrape off the rough skin on the bottoms of your heels and toes. UGH. Oh but it's okay because they make it seem less menacing by making it look like an egg.

4. Ever heard of trench foot? The name is enough to make me cringe. Enough said.


I could name more reasons but I think you get the point. Basically, I think that guy from "Saw" had the right idea.




But what is even more disgusting is toenails.
Fingernails actually have a purpose. They can help you get a splinter out of your finger or open those annoying shampoo bottles. They can satisfy an irritating itch and scratch lottery tickets!

But toenails? What the heck do toenails do? They make holes in your socks if you don't cut them every few days...Great, thats awesome because I wanted an excuse to go sock shopping.

And when you DO cut them, they end up flying all over the bathroom like a superhero on speed.

Hi nail clippers, could you do me a favour and try to get along with the toenails this time?

Every time we meet is like a treasure hunt except I don't get the gold at the end.





In the summer I have to paint you so you are somewhat presentable in my flipflops.. This is time consuming! I have much better things to do with my time in the summer...like walk and write pointless blogs.

Therefore, I think we can all agree that toenails are not awesome, nor will they ever be.

Rumour has it that our pinky toe is obsolete and we don't actually need it anymore. Maybe evolution will negate the need for feet altogether! But let's not get too excited.

 

Amnesia

              There was one time way back when I was 5 and it was...

              Wait no, maybe I was 7...yeah I was 7 and I was playing 
              a baseball game when...

              No, no that's not right, it was soccer I think.

              Hold on, I'm in the wrong decade. I played soccer when I was 
              8. Is decade the right word? No I meant to say year.




What was I talking about? Oh yes, my story!
I was walking down the road and I saw a cat, it was orange...or brown? I was trying to pet it to see if it would trust me.

But then something happened. I can't quite remember but I assure you it's a thrilling story...

Memories are golden. I truly cannot imagine what life would be like if my memory wasn't somewhat functional on a normal level.

I'm a person that lives in the past. I love to relive old memories, "walk down memory lane" so to speak.
I could get really inspirational but instead let's talk about something exciting!

Imagine we invented a machine...a machine that could take us back to old memories so we could ACTUALLY relive them or even CHANGE them. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES.

Hmm, I think I just described a time machine.
oh well.

EDIT: ATTENTION! Ignore everything you just read. That was Megan from the future. She came from a year from now actually.

Turns out we did invent a time machine (cleverly named the memory machine) and it's existence has created a hole in the space-time continuum leading to the end of the world.

So there you have it, it's all my fault and the Mayan's knew it. WE MUST BAND TOGETHER TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING!




What was this post even about?
I really have no idea where I was going with this.
I'm tired.

How is it that you can have the busiest day and be full of energy but on the days where you do absolutely nothing it's like you ran a marathon and a half.


Kitteh ran marathon...and a half.

On another note, foot cramps suck. Technically any kind of cramp suck but foot cramps especially. Mostly because they involve feet and feet are horrid in general.

Do you ever experience times when you are sleeping peacefully, dreaming about rainbows and butterflies and hammers...

What? I'm sure there are people in the world who dream about hammers...

I dreamt that my light switch turned into a shower head last night. True story.








Anyways, do you ever have those nights where you are suddenly jarred awake by some unknown pain which you quickly realize is located in your foot. Your toes are spasming as if they are saying, "HOLY TOLITO BATMAN, SOMETHINGS UP AND IT'S GETTING TO BE SERIOUS BUSINESS!"

Feet are gross.

Then you spend the next 5 to what-feels-like-forever minutes trying to tell your foot to calm down.


You try standing on it, rubbing it, talking to it. All the while you are half asleep, almost trying not to wake up too much because then you'll never be able to fall back asleep.


Then FINALLY it's gone and you slowly try to creep back into bed. Right when you get comfortable...BAM. Foot frenzy. This happens over and over and over again.








This happens to me quite often. How does it make me feel you ask? Well I'll tell you since you asked so nicely.

It makes me think: Boy I could sure use a banana right now.

BECAUSE BANANAS HAVE POTASSIUM AND POTASSIUM IS YUM...I mean, good for foot cramps or something.

No banana! I demand you be more happy! You're killing the mood!

MUCH better!

I still don't remember what this post was supposed to be about.

Moments

There are moments in life that words have a hard time describing. Feelings that leave you wanting more but you are unsure why. It’s moments like these that make life exciting and spontaneous.

That moment of pure joy when you find out you finally got a little sister after wanting one your entire life.

That moment of pride and accomplishment when receiving your high school diploma. Throwing a hat into the air never felt so significant.



That moment when you lock eyes with someone for the first time and you feel as if you know exactly what they are thinking. That there is something special about this person that you can’t explain. Something in their gaze that is intriguing and mysterious and you can’t help but want to know them.


That moment when you wake up in the morning convinced that the dream you had was real. It was so vivid and full of detail. Then later that day you experience déjà vu because what you had dreamed about is now occurring.


That moment of stress and worry where you wonder how you did on a test before seeing your mark. You wonder if you studied enough for the A you wanted. You fear you won’t be good enough or that you will fail.

That moment of pure silence when you are with someone. With anyone else the silence would be awkward but with this person it’s comforting.

That moment of feeling safe and simply content just to be spending time together.

Words don’t need to be said.

That moment when you’re sitting in a roller coaster at an amusement park and it reaches the top.

That moment just before the roller coaster goes over the edge into what feels like an endless free fall.

That moment where you think for a split second “how did I get here” but then the sudden exhilaration of the drop makes you forget any rational thought.

You’re terrified but thrilled at the same time. You feel like screaming and laughing and it feels like your stomach is in your throat.


That’s love.

Happiness, joy, and fear.
Wonder, excitement and worry.

Many emotions for many situations that I can only begin to describe.

Love is such a complex emotion that I can only seem to use cheesy examples and metaphors to describe it.

You are at the local pool. You’ve gone swimming a few times before. It was fun at first but you always ended up swallowing too much water or forgetting your towel. One time you were even really excited about going to the pool, despite past experience. But you never got to go because it closed due to bad weather. So far your experience at the pool has not been the best.

You’ve always wanted to try the diving board. It’s always been there but you were too nervous to actually jump. But one day you decide, oh what the heck, I’m going to do it. Nerves get the best of you though so you take your time climbing up the ladder, giving yourself time to change your mind before it’s too late. You finally get to the top and it’s the moment of truth.

You stare down at the deep blue water. You realize you’re also afraid of heights. Fears start to enter your mind like, what if the water is really cold?

What if I screw up and slip and hit my head?

What if I drown!?


But finally, you get your act together and take the plunge. You feel a sudden rush of adrenaline as your feet finally leave the board and you dive into the water with everything you have.



I’m glad I finally jumped.

Umbrellas

You wake up in the morning to a grey, cloudy day that appears to be void of sunshine and happiness.
You look at your clock and it says 6:00am in those angry red letters as your alarm blares.

You rush around to get ready for work or school or wherever it is you need to be at such a godforsaken early hour of the morning.

You are unsure about whether or not it's going to rain but you decide to hope for the best because you are 95% sure your umbrella is lost somewhere under a pile of clothes upstairs.

So instead of spending 5 minutes searching for your umbrella, you grab a cinnamon bun and rush out the door because cinnamon buns are always worth the time. So sweet and covered in icing...I'm getting off topic.

Part way through the day, it starts raining. No, not just raining. Water is coming from the sky in torrents so heavy that you are convinced the entire Earth will be flooded by supper time.

You check the time and hope and pray that it stops raining before you have to head home.

...Because of course today is the one day you decided it would be better to take the bus or walk to your destination rather than drive like a normal person.




There are only 5 more minutes until you can go home and the rain has not ceased. So you start to pack up your things and GASP! Your umbrella is sitting at the bottom of your bag, camoflauged with the dark interior. AWESOME!

It's such a good feeling when you've come to terms with the fact that you're going to be soaked to the bones on your way home but then you discover that no! You will only be partly soaked! Which at this point sounds as good as finding 50 bucks on the ground. You silently congratulate yourself.

Umbrellas are great. Now I don't know where these full body umbrellas originated but I think they have the right idea. Why get partially soaked when you don't have to get soaked at all!

Or how about when you are walking with some friends and it starts to rain and one of your friends just happens to have an umbrella with them that is so huge that it could fit 10 people underneath it.

You end up walking home in a huddled mass as if the raindrops are acid. You feel claustrophobic but it doesn't matter because at least you're dry. We all have one of these friends. (I'm that friend).

These are only rain umbrellas! Not only do umbrellas save you from getting attacked by sky moisture but they also protect you from the sun! But I won't even get into that because the sun and I are kind of friends and I don't want to step on any toes.

Pretzels

PRETZELS! OH THE JOY!

How could you possibly go wrong with pretzels. They are the perfect balance of salty and...not salty.

*sigh* oh pretzels...
How can I even begin to describe the endless entertaining ways to eat you.

The challenge of biting off all the salt pieces without breaking you.
Stacking you up and working my way down your tower of goodness.

Hey you, stop it! Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about pretzels!

Umm...Okay maybe there are only two ways.

Not a fan of pretzels?
"What about all the broken pieces at the bottom!" you say?

WELL THE FUN IS JUST BEGINNING MY FRIEND.

I can't be the only one who tries to spell as many words as possible using the broken pieces of pretzels.

Right? riiiiiight? You know what I'm talking about.

Are these challenges too easy for all of you pretzel lovers out there?
Well get a load of this...
Try and break the two pieces in the centre without the breaking the perimeter to make a PRETZEL HEART!

Just further proof that pretzels can only be made of love and awesome.
Plus they can be covered in chocolate. Enough said.

And these are only the crunchy pretzels! I haven't even BEGUN to talk about soft pretzels.
The way they melt in your mouth is intoxicating. Doughy and salty and warm all at the same time. and GIANT. Okay I need to stop.








EDIT: I have a confession. I have never had a soft pretzel before. My deepest apologies. Feel free to tar and feather me because I deserve it.
But I'm sure they are as amazing as I described them to be,  if not more.

BLASPHEMY!

Sponges

So what's the deal with sponges?

Sure they may look pretty and colourful under the water but they don't seem to really serve a purpose. They just sit there looking all porous-like. So what's the deal?

Oh sorry, did you think those pastel coloured kitchen sponges were useful?

More like disease ridden pieces of soft foam just begging for some badass bacteria to move into those pores you once thought were so wonderful.

Honestly, nothing good ever comes with sponges.

The word even leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It sounds like "grunge" or "lunge" and who likes lunging? Sponges should officially take the plunge into being extinct.

Have you ever heard of the dreaded "sponge bath." Have you ever had to participate in one? It's not fun folks. There you are, standing in the retirement home that is down the road from your house. You thought it would be a great idea to volunteer and give back to the community. It's all well and good but suddenly things start to escalate and get intense. Next thing you know there is a sponge in your hand and an old, wrinkly human sitting in a tub of lukewarm water staring up at you with these puppy dog eyes.

All the while you're thinking "how did I get myself into this" and you begin to consider various escapes.

Maybe if you wait long enough they will fall asleep...

or maybe you can invent a robot in the next 5 minutes to give the sponge bath for you, but with your luck the robot will be incredibly intelligent and refuse to do such a demeaning task.

Maybe you should just jump out the window.

Then you think you hear evil laughter and you're convinced that it's God mocking you, or maybe it's the sponge, who knows.

But no, you can't do any of those things so you are stuck scrubbing the hairy back of a decrepit old man with that wretched sponge.

Has this ever happened to you?       No?

Me neither.

Regardless, sponges are gross and vile and should not exist.

Except for maybe Spongebob Squarepants, he's cool.

Aww look at how happy he is!